Today is gonna suck

I was up until 2 am, and as soon as the clock hit midnight, I knew it was Monday.  I'm not ready for Monday.  His wake is 4-7.  I'm so sad and scared.  I never went though the bartering stage of grieving, because there was nothing to barter.  He's gone.  There was no limbo of life support.  There is no anger.  He went so incredibly quickly, and as a medical professional, I know everything was done.  The decision was made for us. 
I made/still making his collages.  Looking through these pictures I'm remembering so much of his life.  I feel hollow - like there is a hole in my chest.  I just don't know how to be me without him.  I guess that's how we feel about our parents - they have been in our lives since our first breath, since our first moment of existing. 
Now I have to say goodbye to the first man who loved me, who was always there for me.  I hope he felt peace and bliss with his last moments on this earth.  I imagine his parents and grandparents there, his dogs and horse.  I wonder if his life flashed before his eyes? I wonder what his last thought was?  I wonder if he is going to miss us?

My father died..

 Richard Charles Blade 1/1/44 - 1/27/12

This has nothing to do with my fat to fit journey, but it definitely is a roller coaster. 

Yesterday morning, I was sitting at the ktichen table, working on our taxes - I just put the babies to bed, and Dave was getting ready to go out.My phone rings - it's my mom.  I didn't think too much of it, because I just got off the phone with her, telling her how Jonathan started signing yesterday - the word for "more". "Your father fell out at the barn, he still has a pulse, they're working on him now."  Relaxed to panic mode in 0.25 seconds.  "I'll meet you at the hospital - no, wait, I'll go to the barn first, just in case they are still working on him there."  I throw some clothes on, brush my teeth really quick - crying every 30 seconds, and I'm out the door.  Dave is calling his parents to watch the kids.  I start heading towards the barn, flashing my lights and honking my horn at anyone who is going under 60 mph (mind you, the speed limit is much lower than that).  I talk to God.  I plead with God.  Please, God, please save my dad.  Just keep him alive long enough for me to get there.  Just let me say goodbye.  I knew God couldn't accommodate me, because I felt it in my heart - he was gone.  I get to the barn, and the barn folk say they took him to Kent County Hospital.  They look at me and say they're sorry.  I'm heading to the hospital - long ride on back roads to the hospital.  I'm not dumb - I was an ER nurse for years.  They don't work on a person at the seen if they are stable.  I'm 1 exit away from the hospital and my Mom calls.  "Michelle, he's gone. They couldn't save him."  No, no, no, no,no - I'll be there in a few seconds.  I get to the hospital, park in a handicap spot because I can't think enough to find a legal parking spot, and run in.  They direct me to the family room -  never a good sign. 
I hug my mom and brother.  Mom and I head back to see him.  The medical examiner didn't see him yet, so they kept all the IVs and intubation tubes in.  We walk into the room, and there he is.  He's still warm.  I adjust his head, and wrap a towel around the intubation tube (they did this for James when he was intubated, and it was a little better).  I gave my mom a moment alone, and stood outside the room frantically trying to call my husband, Dave.  I go back in - I hold his hand, I touch his head, I kiss his forehead. I pray for him, I tell him I love him, and I've always been daddy's little girl.  I apologize for ever making him angry.  Dave then walks in and I break down crying.  Later on, Dave said he could actually feel my pain before he went into the room - it was that palpable. 
I wish they had a grief counselor there - I think the RN was a bit out of her realm.  She didn't know when the medical examiner was going to be there, and I asked her to call the priest, and she seemed a bit shocked we would ask that.  Once the medical examiner came, and they removed the intubation tube, we all went in.  The minister came and she was good - not Catholic, but she gave the last rites.  When mom is ready, we leave.  I tuck him in, and we go.  I'm numb.  I alternate between crying and just being comatose.  No matter how old you are, you always feel too young to loose a parent.
The rest of the day is spent comforting my mom and brother, going through his safes to get his military paperwork so he can have the veteran's funeral he wanted, scripting his obituary and finding a picture.  I'm going to miss him terribly, but I am also scared of the future.  The rest of my life is a long time to live without him.  My mother has never been alone - she literally went from her father's house to her husband's house.  They were married 43 yeas on Wednesday - they were planning on going out to dinner on Friday to celebrate their anniversary.
One of the barn people called.  She told us he looked blue when he got out of the car that day - they told him to see a doctor, he said "I've got to feed Misha."  He loved that horse more than anything.  If he was going to die, I'm glad it was there with the horse.  They saw him go down, and they started CPR right away.  He wasn't alone (which is what I was afraid of).  They did everything they could.  It was his time.
It's such a strange feeling to be so helpless.  When my mom had cancer, it was a different type of anxiety and fear - but I felt like I had a little control, as to chemo and such.  This was so incredibly sudden.  It was all over by the time we knew anything was going on. No time for anything.
I love you, Dad.  Rest in Peace.

255.0

Not bad, if I do say so myself!  I'm heading in the right direction again.  I realized this week just how important tracking really is to success.  I tend to cheat - a bite here, a little bit there, and my first instinct is to not write it down.  If I don't write it down, I didn't eat it.  Well, with that mindset, I'm only hurting myself.  So, every extra bite here and there - I counted it. If that's what it takes, that's what I'll do.
I ended up making a yummy pork roast for the first time, and we ate off of it for about 4 days.  Even the babies liked it - I put it in the chopper with apple sauce, and they ate it with no problems.
I'm 3 lbs away from a 10 lb weight loss.  I would like to give myself a treat.  Any ideas??

256.8 - I'm making progress

It's a loss.  I'm very proud of myself for eating my full amount of fruits and veggies every day.  I averaged 8-9 servings a day.  I find that if I have my oatmeal for breakfast with an apple and/or berries, and a huge salad (4 cups of leafy greens, 1 cup tomatoes, 1 cup mushrooms, some berries thrown in) I've reached my fruit and veggie quota for the day.   If I decide to have veggies with supper - great! If not, well, I'm not sweating it.


So, as I was on the computer the other day, I came across this ad:

 OUCH!!  It stopped me in my tracks.  Of course, that's what it's supposed to do.  It's getting the adults talking.  It's making them uncomfortable - exactly with it's meant to do.  I'm wondering, though, if this is the best way to go about it.  I wonder if there will be in increase in eating disorders from these ads.  Overweight kids might see this ad, and just stop eating, or binge/purge.  They may do something like the skittles diet, or live on red bull and No-Doze.  I don't see them having the forethought to purchase healthy food choices.
The parents, however, should take action.  Turn off the TV.  Find a way to get your kids eating better and out moving. It's definitely easier said than done, but you have to at least try.  YOU ARE THE PARENT, and you need to lead by example.  This philosophy is changing the way I live.  My boys are still young, but I have not fallen into the trap that some of the other mothers of toddlers have fallen into.  My boys get some type of veggies/fruits at every meal, and I try my hardest to make sure all their meals are homemade.  No canned/jarred meals for them.  I'm proud of myself for doing it.  I'm trying to set good examples now.  It takes prior planning, but it's something that is important to me. I'm shutting off the TV, I'm exercising, and I'm eating better.  I'm not perfect - I have slip ups, but my boys are seeing me at least try.

Yay! My computer is "fixed"!

It was never really, broken, really, but I couldn't figure out how to log on with Firefox.  I would have to go to our antiquated desktop to post.  Well, due to the fact that our desktop showed the Blue Screen of Death, I was forced to change the settings on my lapop, and - viola!- I can post!

So, as of 1/1/12 - I was 260.  It was a rough holiday week.  No excuses - I ate too much.  I enjoyed cookies and fudge. I ate prime rib and finished it up with pie.  My boss even brought me in a scotch egg - a glorious invention that is a hard boiled egg, wrapped in ham, and rolled in corn flakes and fried.  I had it with mustard - and a side of Lipitor.  My boss is a foodie, too, and he's an AMAZING cook.  For New Years, I enjoyed a few sangrias, some cheese Alouette and crackers, and hot wings. Soo...I wasn't surprised when I stepped on he scale and I was back up there.

Since then, I've been going back down.  Weigh in is tomorrow - and I feel pretty good.

One thing I did get for Christmas was a brand new DSLR Canon Rebel camera!!!  I've taken so many great pictures (99% of them of my boys) and I absolutely LOVE IT!!  As soon as I figure out how to watermark my pictures, I'll be posting more.

So, until tomorrow's weigh in....have a great night!