So week 3 was a 2.4 weight loss - and a break down in the doctor's office. I have been sick for 2 weeks, I haven't slept in 3 weeks, and I was overall miserable.
Here were the issues.
- I was so hungry on weigh in day. I mean - nauseously hungry. I had a hard time making it the 3 hours to the next shake. I have my shakes at 9, 12, 3, 5:30 and 8:30.
- I have been sick for 2 weeks. After week 1, I started with fevers over 1 day of the weekend. the coughing is maddening. I cough all day and night.
- I"m always thirsty. sometimes I hit my 96 oz of fluid by 3 or 4 pm, and I can't drink anything for the rest of the day.
- You would think stopping drinking at 3 or 4 I would be fine on the bathroom situation, right? Wrong! I wake up 2 x a night to pee, and when I wake up at 4:30, I'm up. Can't go back to sleep.
So, at 4:30 I'm up - coughing and drinking because my first shake isn't for another 4 1/2- 5 hours.
- I'm angry. I'm angry all the time. I try not to be, but I can't help it. There is no relaxing, no calm time with the family. There is my exploding on anyone who is unfortunate enough to be in my path.
As I'm going through - well, most likely yelling it to my doctor - I wanted to cry. Then she starts talking to me about primary vs secondary infections and I could barely follow her. My head was so fuzzy. I'm a freakin NP - I talk about this all the time! WTF is wrong with me??
She suggested I go on modified. I wanted to cry. I felt like failure. I made it 10 weeks last time - what couldn't I do it this time?
I feel like this diet is a punishment. I feel like it's my punishment for gaining the weight back. When I loose weight, instead of being happy, I think "well, the weight shouldn't have been there in the first place." Full fast is my punishment. And I wasn't read to end my punishment.
I also realized why I don't like the group. I'm embarrassed. I'm embarrassed that I lost the weight and I'm back to this place. I shouldn't be embarrassed - most of the others in the group are in the same boat - 2nd and 3rd time around. Why do I feel this way? I feel like I weigh in, and I"m not down 60 lbs, so I sit there and pout and beat myself up during the whole meeting. I stare at the table and wait until 6:30 when I can go. Once again - a punishment.
Now that I realize this, I don't know what to do . I did eat food yesterday - a meal - and I did loose weight today. I had 6 oz steak and 9 oz broccoli.
I went to a birthday party today - all kinds of food - and I had a handful of grapes. I passed the sandwiches (I would have taken the meat out) and everything else and had some grapes.
Conscious effort.
The good news about eating last night - I actually slept through the night. It's amazing what a good night's sleep will do for a person.
I'm hoping a little bit of real food will help me heal.
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