week 5 - 0 lost - 17.8 total - 252.6

Wait, what??
Yeah, not thrilled. 
We'll see how next week goes.....

Week 4 - down 4.4 lbs - 17.8 lbs down - 252.6

1 month in, and down almost 18 lbs.
I did a lot better this past week on modified - and I lost twice as much this week than last!
The cold is almost gone, I'm sleeping at night, and overall happier.
I even lost this weight with eating out!
This week I'm seeing it more and more each day.
I put on a t-shirt I haven't worn in 3 weeks and I'm swimming in it.
Another pair of my capris I can just pull on and off without unbuttoning them.
I'm putting more and more of my clothes in the dryer to shrink.
My home scale needs a new battery, so I really can't follow my weight during the week.  It takes one of those weird round, flat batteries.  I could actually go out and BUY a new battery, but that's so much effort.....
Next week, I have weigh in and measurements.
I'm not as confident about next week, as I ate out Friday (steak and veggies at Outback) and we went to the fair during the day (I brought my shakes) and ate out Saturday (steak and veggies at Cracker Barrel)
Ideally - loosing 2.2 lbs to put me at the big 2-0 would be awesome!
Let's see.....

Week 3 - 2.4 lbs down - total 13.4 lbs - 257.0 - and a revelation

So week 3 was a 2.4 weight loss - and a break down in the doctor's office.  I have been sick for 2 weeks, I haven't slept in 3 weeks, and I was overall miserable. 
Here were the issues. 
 - I was so hungry on weigh in day.  I mean - nauseously hungry.  I had a hard time making it the 3 hours to the next shake. I have my shakes at 9, 12, 3, 5:30 and 8:30. 
 - I have been sick for 2 weeks.  After week 1, I started with fevers over 1 day of the weekend.  the coughing is maddening.  I cough all day and night. 
 - I"m always thirsty.  sometimes I hit my 96 oz of fluid by 3 or 4 pm, and I can't drink anything for the rest of the day.
 - You would think stopping drinking at 3 or 4 I would be fine on the bathroom situation, right?  Wrong!  I wake up 2 x a night to pee, and when I wake up at 4:30, I'm up.  Can't go back to sleep.
So, at 4:30 I'm up - coughing and drinking because my first shake isn't for another 4 1/2- 5 hours.
 - I'm angry.  I'm angry all the time.  I try not to be, but I can't help it.  There is no relaxing, no calm time with the family.  There is my exploding on anyone who is unfortunate enough to be in my path. 

As I'm going through - well, most likely yelling it to my doctor - I wanted to cry.  Then she starts talking to me about primary vs secondary infections and I could barely follow her.  My head was so fuzzy.   I'm a freakin NP - I talk about this all the time!  WTF is wrong with me??

She suggested I go on modified.  I wanted to cry.  I felt like failure.  I made it 10 weeks last time - what couldn't I do it this time? 

I feel like this diet is a punishment.  I feel like it's my punishment for gaining the weight back.  When I loose weight, instead of being happy, I think "well, the weight shouldn't have been there in the first place."  Full fast is my punishment.  And I wasn't read to end my punishment.

I also realized why I don't like the group.  I'm embarrassed.  I'm embarrassed that I lost the weight and I'm back to this place.  I shouldn't be embarrassed - most of the others in the group are in the same boat - 2nd and 3rd time around.  Why do I feel this way?  I feel like I weigh in, and I"m not down 60 lbs, so I sit there and pout and beat myself up during the whole meeting.  I stare at the table and wait until 6:30 when I can go.  Once again - a punishment.

Now that I realize this, I don't know what to do .  I did eat food yesterday - a meal - and I did loose weight today.  I had 6 oz steak and 9 oz broccoli. 
I went to a birthday party today - all kinds of food - and I had a handful of grapes.  I passed the sandwiches (I would have taken the meat out) and everything else and had some grapes.
Conscious effort.

The good news about eating last night - I actually slept through the night.  It's amazing what a good night's sleep will do for a person.

I'm hoping a little bit of real food will help me heal.
   

Week 2 - 4.8 lbs - 11 lbs total - 259.4

4.8 lbs - not bad.  I took me 8 whole days to feel myself.  Then, I come down with a cold.  Figures!  That is why I'm posting on Monday instead of my weigh in day of Thursday.
I'm noticing that it's a lot harder this time to deal with the cravings due to my job.  Last time, I had my own office, so I could sit in my office and close my door during lunch time and it was fine.  Everyone else was in the lunch room.  Now, I'm in a pod, and I have 16 other people in the pod with me - and they are all foodies.  They start talking about food at 10 am.  They talk about food, they talk about what they are ordering for lunch, they talk about what they brought for lunch, they talk about what they had for breakfast this morning, supper last night, and what they are planning on having for a snack tonight.  There is no escape.  It's not that I'm hungry, mind you, I'm really not - but it's the cravings.  I want to eat it because it tastes good.  That is what got me into this problem in the first place.
Starting this weekend, I'm able to appreciate smells.  DH made corn on the cob for him and the kids, and I just wanted to smell it.  Just take in the scent - but I didn't crave it.  We'll see if this carries over to work tomorrow.
So, I tried not weighing myself daily - that was a total joke.  I'm not liking my numbers, but I'm still weighing myself.  I don't think I could go a week without weighting myself daily, because this is such a hard diet, I need to see some measurement of progress daily.  I need to make sure what I'm doing is succeeding in something.
We'll see how week 3 goes.  The numbers on my scale aren't too promising, but it's only Monday.

Week 1 (almost) - 264.2 - down 6.2

My weigh in was was a day early, but down 6.2 lbs.
It's hard not to compare to my first time around, where I lost 8.8 lbs
I'm a little disappointed.  I know I shouldn't be, but I am.
The hunger is getting better.  I'm rarely hungry, really.  I want to eat because it looks/smells good, but not because I'm hungry.  Of course, this is what got me here in the first place.
Last time I weighted myself every day.  I think I'm going to try a week of not weighing myself daily and see how it goes.

Day 3

Today I worked - first day since vacation.  I knew I might be working late, so I brought 4 shakes just in case (learned my lesson from my last day 3 of my program).  I ended up having 4 shakes between 9:30 and 6.  I got home at 7 and had a soup.  I could have had a 6th shake with my Metamucil, but I wasn't hungry.  I tried mixing the Metamucil with my vitamin water, but I let it sit too long.  So, I mixed more with a cup of tea - and drank it as quickly as possible.  It started thickening up by the end and it was really difficult to finish.

I started with a headache at 3, and it's just not stopping.  I took some ibuprofen with my slimy tea (yuck!) and now I'm finally unwinding from my day. 

Day 4 - here I come!

Day 2

I have survived day 2!
I slept well last night - other than the 2 times I woke up to use the bathroom, and woke up at 7:15 when the kids woke up.  I wasn't hungry last night, and dis well this morning.
My first shake was at 9:30 - I had a chocolate shake with Torani SF brown sugar and cinnamon flavoring.  It tasted just like a gingerbread cookie!  I have to remember that mix.
My next shake was at 12:30 with lunch, then I started getting hungry and had the next shake at 2:50.  I had my soup at 5:45 - I was so hungry!  I sat with the family and had my soup.  My husband had one of my trigger foods - nachos.  It was so hard!  I had my soup and left the table right away.
So, now it's the end of my day.  About 6:30 I got a burst of energy - such a welcome change from the rest of the day.
I'm having my last shake in about 30 minutes.  I'm not hungry, and I'm feeling good.
Tomorrow I'm working.  It's my long day, but I'll have enough shakes and drinks to be comfortable.
Day 2 - feeling pretty good!

Day 1 - 270.4

So, the weight is from my last visit last week.  I didn't start the program right away because I was going on vacation.  We got home Friday, and Saturday morning was my official 1st day.
I learned some lessons from last time.  I cut back on my carb intake as much as I could on vacation.  I really think this helped this time around.
Day 1 -
For the first time in many, many, MANY years I slept in.  Dave woke up with the kids, and I slept in to 8:45.  8:45!  My kids are roosters - up at 7:03 like clockwork.  Sleeping in really helped with my first day.
My first shake was at 10 am.  Ok, I thought, I can do this again.  It's all coming back to me.  I had a big glass of water, and I was doing fine.  I planned on my next shake at 1 pm.
At 12:45 - the hunger hit me like a freight train.  I thought I was going to eat the counter.    I had my shake 15 minutes early, and the memories of the first time around came back - the starvation and the white knuckling it for the first few days.  So, I had my shake a little early, and after 15 minutes, I felt fine again.
The boys and I went to our friends house and went swimming.  I brought a shake with me.  We were in the pool, I was feeling fine, and someone announced it was 4:15.  I made it over my 3 hour mark, and still felt fine!  I drank another shake, and we packed up to head home.  Originally, our friends wanted us to have dinner with them - she bought muscles! - but I politely declined and went home.  There will be plenty of time for friend meals.
I was feeling a little funny around 6 - kinda fuzzy headed.  I made the kids supper and had my tomato soup with cayenne pepper.  By 7:30 I was tired.  I had a hard time getting the kids to bed, but I did it.  I held off until 8:30 to have my last shake - vanilla with Metamucil (tastes like a creamsicle) and I think I promptly fell asleep.
Hunger level at bedtime - 0/10.
Such a change from the first time around!

Boy, this place looks familiar.....

Hello!  Wow - has it really been 3 years since my last post??  Does anyone even read blogs anymore?  I'm running it old school and blogging again.
I'm sure you're just chomping at the bit for a brief synopsis of what's been going on for the past 3 years.  I've never been one to disappoint, so here we go!
They rest of 2014 - pretty smooth.  I continued working at my job with my long time friend and colleague. I precepted her in more FNP, and she got me back into CNM.  The patients were awesome ( low income Hispanic), my Spanish was coming along, the boys were being their awesome 4 year old selves,  and we were just cruising.  I was keeping the weight off.  I felt great!
All good things must come to an end.
April 2015 - we had a house fire.
Good news - we weren't home.  We were safe.  I won't go into the details - too long, too painful.  Just know we're safe, no one was hurt, we lost a whole lot of stuff, and at the end of the day, we sold the burnt out house to just move on with our lives.   This lead to months (and years) of healing.  We're not healed.  We know this.  But, we're getting there.
Through this, I had a 10 lb slip.  Still holding strong.
Then, in the middle of all this - dealing with banks and construction people and lawyers and insurance companies - my clinic decides to end it's contract with my employer.
This was the nail in the coffin.
During my time of unemployment - my husband decided he has to leave his job, too, and takes a job an hour away working nights and weekends and every single holiday.  We literally would go days without seeing him.  Total opposite schedules.  I felt like I was raising these boys on my own.
It was all too much, and I gained the weight back.
There was some really dark times, and the stress was overwhelming.  Through an amazing counselor and some amazing friends and an amazing antidepressant, I put 1 foot in front of the other and persevered.
I feel like now I'm really coming out the other side. We still live in an apartment, and the thought of owning a home sends me into a full blown hyperventilating panic attack, but I've come to peace with how I am right now.
My long time friend and colleague and I moved to a new clinic. We were there for a year and a half and she's moved on to more of a CNM role.  I can't blame her - she was a CNM first, and she's just so good at it!  I'll miss her, but I figure we've worked together in 3 jobs - I'm sure they'll be a 4th!
After 1 1/2 years of my husband working that awful job, he now has found one on days, and is reacclimating to the family.  Of course, he's already looking for another job, but that's another story for another time...
My boys are now 6!!  I know, right!? How did that happen??!?  They're entering 1st grade at the end of the month.
So now, I pull my head out of the sand, and, Whoa!!  All the weight is back.
So on Saturday.....I'm back to day 1 of optifast!